Last night, I was having a weird existential thought about deserving the life I have now. It just came out of nowhere, like most things that cross your mind right. My heartbeat pounded heavier at the thought that I am alive and aware that very moment that this is my reality now. It wasn't out of fear, it was out of excitement, like this sudden epiphany is a rebirth of who I am.

It felt like I was in such a haze. Everything was fogged up, time was going by too quickly for me to catch up. There was a sense of urgency to do something, yet I don't know what I was even meant to accomplish. It was that moment I was awakened.

Every few years of my life, I always have this urge, this rush that I am a newfound person. No holding anything back, because a new form of self-awareness has washed over my mind of unease. Suddenly, every doubt of the yesterdays were replaced with eagerness to try at life once again. It's not like I've been given a specific goal or plan to perform, rather than an innate need to embrace my vulnerability and quirks without question or hindrance. It meant having to speak my mind, without meticulously playing it over before expression. It meant being humbled that it's human to make mistakes. It meant, perfection is the best of my capability, not a standard.

Losing something tunnels the vision of the good stuff. It takes a certain amount of time and patience to be able to realize on your own, the life you had then, is incomparable to the life you have now. What made it hard to believe, that I have more peace of mind, felt like a fraud. I needed to balance out by torturing myself with uncertainty. I don't know why I believed in having to sacrifice, in this case my peace, to live a life that I believed was too good to be true.

I admire and am grateful for my partner, for being forgiving of my emotions sometimes getting out of hand. It took a lot of hard times and tears to grow together. He believed in me, and our relationship enough to overcome the petty, and the big stuff. I always made it harder than it was meant to be, pushing when I should be pulling. Being stubborn was familiar, if unnecessary, it was a hurdle that took me time to overcome. This was a life's belief that I must handle things on my own. I wanted to be strong enough to carry my baggage through, I needed to solve the problem that was weighing in the world on my shoulders. The thought of letting myself be helped was nothing but a temporary fix.

Co-dependency became a fear of mine growing up. It was reinforced by so many tragic marriage breakups of my family. It became the norm to see so much pain and dissolution. That pushed me and the children of my generation to steer clear of relationships in fear of similar fates. Their mistakes became the forefront of our decision making, creating problems when there were none, because it was too good to be true. Always at a loss of filling that void.

It gets tiring having to suck up all the load. It feels great when you know someone genuinely cares for you. Suddenly. you're circling over to retrace your past decisions, making you think, this person deserves better than me.

After everything life makes you go through, eventually you'll realize, the past doesn't have any hold on you. It's just the self-belief that was carried along the way, unrelenting, heavy on the heart. Having it keeps you company, assuring you the legitimacy over your life. Once you render that obsolete, it then makes everything you have sought and fought for into nothing.

Where do you start if you have nothing to refer to? Making your own path is harder that it looks. Unless you put it in a different perspective, that one day you wake up, and realize you could have lived life in any way you wanted to. Isn't that captivating? That all this time, despite your experiences, mistakes, and beliefs you always had it in you to look at life with a different mindset. You deserved the best all along.

I'm only reviewing this because I actually believe it works for me, so this was supposed to last me a month but since I don't religiously ingest this, I decided that because of it's packed ingredients it may do more than expected at the least. 

 I ordered mine from BeautyMNL so here's the link:

https://beautymnl.com/products/18298-reveal-age-defying-60-capsules

I'm back, and I will just go through this as if I were talking to a friend.

The way life works for me that seems normal is constant change. I never really have the same year. I don't have a routine, I usually do something drastically different from what I did the year before. Possibly I've matured over the course of the passing seasons, but I can't really tell, because there are nights when I feel nostalgic of all the how-things-have-been. Looking back at the vibrant days where emotions were attached to a feeling of longing for the end game.

There were growing frustrations in between, those nightmares of loneliness and despair of the future. My carelessness being a baggage I hold onto to keep at the bad habits I've succumbed to. I would be proud of my free-spirited nature, showing bravado of how my youth would be filled with unmatched life experiences any other wouldn't take for granted. My life was basic. I always played my persona on a pedestal of hope that someone wanted to be like me.

It's easy to fool me. I'm gullible because I want to play a story of a life where I just keep growing, pursuing a shell that hardens over time. Playing a victim long enough before this heroine learns to save herself. This life had other options of having a vibrant and colorful life story package, but mine would be of solitude and pride in courage to trudge whatever obstacle alone. Before I get too poetic and vague, it's just everything has changed so much.

I've always been used to getting by alone. Save a few moments where someone would be there to hear my woes. There was a time, I would be surrounded by friends, a group I thought would carry on as I grow into my granny years. Sadly, only time can tell when people's true selves show. It would be completely biased if I said that there was nothing wrong with me. I'm a flawed human. As much as perfection seems ideal, hardly anyone can live their whole lives without having made mistakes. The choices I made to steer clear from these 'friends' helped me realize a few points.

I may have been quite submissive, and just bandwagon-ed on whatever they were interested in, but it doesn't dismiss the times they simply used me for their convenience. I was easily eager to please anyone who made me feel I could do something to help. Putting their needs over mine, making myself dull or bright wherever was deemed appropriate. Being a puppet that was at their beck and call. Their opinions are the only ones that matter, everything else is just stupid or of no importance.

These times drained me. Wounded my identity to a fault that I am simply an imposter amongst a sacred alliance. That's when it was probably time to just get up and leave, finding all the reasons that what I was doing is the proper thing for my life. Doubt would always loom over my thoughts, shouting at my ungrateful self. No one is perfect.  But so am I. If there's this dread and unwelcoming, why be a part of something that no longer belongs to me. So, it needs to be left behind.

A range of emotions wash over me, cycling over and over, anger, sadness, despair, and loneliness once again. This opens opportunities to try more new things to fill the space. It honestly is just an incarnation of the same cycle of the fake, the toxic, and ongoing dread.

There comes a time, when something breaks. And that was my sanity. I questioned everything and everyone. I blamed myself, and then isolated myself from anything that could be a start of something new. I changed a part of me. I took a risk.

Breaking the cycle means letting a lot of things change. I had to break patterns of my life. Thoughts, actions, people had to be left behind. Honestly, it was tough. When you get used to something, it's like quitting a vice, it's just a comfort of having it available. 

What really keeps me busy is always replaying the bad things that I could remember. Like I said, I'm a pretty gullible person. I prefer to replay the memory and torture myself, so it could be ingrained on my mind to never make the same mistake. That was the norm for me. Silently going through this self made torture isn't fun, no one would make anyone go through that unless they had something wrong with their head. But, it just feels so normal, because I felt I deserved it. It was sad that I came to a point where I manipulated myself into thinking I deserve to put myself in my own version of hell.

Day by day, it was a struggle. I would secretly slither back to that habit. Making me start with a bad day, turning into a bad week, etc. It was noteworthy to say. Some habits are easier to break when someone believes in you and helps you get through it. Someone sees the good in you and the beauty in life (cliche). No matter the struggles and setbacks, is right there to make it all possible. To this person, who takes pride in fixing everything alone, is in need of someone to help me get through times like these.

I lash out often. Feeling entitled to my life's struggle, it needed to be remembered. There are excuses left and right to why I should not deserve a peaceful life.

Well, as with all the good things that come along the way, it takes time and patience. I realized that, looking back at the last 2 years. Certainly, much has been said, much has changed. I'm now looking at my surroundings with a fresh lens. I can be at peace, There will be great things in store for me once I stop looking at the past. It's done, I'll make new mistakes this time, and new memories. There's enough worrying for now.

This is the last time I'm bringing this up. Got to stop wasting my time and start being happy. I deserve the present.

I just finished reading Ascend Online, it's pretty good, as a gamer I can adequately say that the author put a lot of thought on the details of what it's like to play RPGs. The first book of this genre that I read was Ready Player One, it was okay, it felt more like an underdog to superstar story than it was about the game itself. I hope that wasn't a spoiler? Also, I read Warcross, it was okay, with like a romance part of it, I didn't continue on with the series because it seemed.. kinda Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele (LOL I didn't read the book, just saw the movie, no BDSM just rich controlling guy and free spirited girl.)

So this book, wow. It was just a Fan made book. And a lot of people liked it, including me. It's not even done yet! I am currently on book 2, I got to read it for free because of Amazon Prime and Prime Library, so it's such a treat. Also, I would have never had the guts to tell the author how much I enjoyed reading. He's surprisingly very approachable, and humble. At the end of the book he asks for feedback on his writing and whatnot. So, he was really happy to know there are a lot of people who let him know that we can't wait for the next part of the story.

Anyway, That's about it. I thought anime would be life, but I guess we're back to reading. Since, streaming has gotten me burnt out again. So, yeah, if ever anyone gets the chance, read Ascend Online by Luke Chmilenko. I can't wait to read more stories of this genre!

Okay. Hold Up. I forgot to update this dream so towards the end, it'll get a cut summary. Sorry about that. This was a dream a while back.  Bear with me. 

So, I get these weird dreams that are surreal and action packed. I sometimes think that these could be a potential story-line for movies or short films. It's also quite extravagantly detailed and vividly colorful. Let's begin.

I was excited to be at this TechCon event that's going to be held in a resort. This is one of the most random parts of it.. People are free to go, I don't know if I won some exclusive pass or something, but I don't exactly see why I was an honorary guest. Well, with our luggage we are brought to this simple room before the entrance of this said resort.

We were each given an iPad to answer a set of personality and preference questions. I wasn't really paying attention, I kept talking to the people beside me of what they thought of the new rising tech that was going to be revealed. Some were stoked to talk to me, others were taking this virtual test too seriously.

I don't know, for the life of me, why I was so bold to just get up and go outside without finishing the test. I was following this girl, she was pretty with long jet black hair, reminded me of the Yellow Power Ranger. I asked her where she was going, and she mentions how she saw this skater dude just head outside without completing the test either. We ended up catching up to him and stayed by a unfinished construction site watching him skate. So the three of us just speculate about why we're there when we realize that the girl has this superpower of jump. She was going to fall off this random debris when she caught herself, casually just anime jumping towards us. We both just stared before she too realized how odd that was.

We lost track of time, so we ended up running towards the hall to look the the room where we were supposed to be taking the tests. Apparently everyone was "done" so we just shrugged it off and met up with the friends we were with. I grabbed my luggage and met up with Charlon. It was announced that everyone was allowed to just pick a room that was available and was free to make themselves feel at home. Everyone began scurrying and shuffling around for their stuff and bolted towards the nearest room or best location they could find.

I was with Charlon and 2 other people, I never got to ask their names but they seemed to understand it's 4 people in a room and decided to group up with us. We skipped over all the rooms with the lights open from the windows, all the rooms were filling up quick. I skipped several hallways before turning to see a room just newly occupied. I checked the room next to it, and it wasn't like the others, normally hotel or resort rooms are numbered, but this one was called waves. It had a symbol at the bottom of 3 waves. I tried for the knob and it was unlocked. As I swung the door open, the lights revealed two queen sized beds and a glass door showcasing the view of the rest of the resort.

I let the rest into the room, signaling it's clear. I saw, to the left of the room before the beds was a door. It was locked so I assumed it was because it's an adjoining room. And it struck me that there was a computer to the left of me. It was odd that it was already powered up. So as they were settling their stuff I walked toward the computer and I sank into the floor and it became a whirlpool. I started spinning and drowning, everything melted away then before it went black, I was spit back up standing infront of the computer.

I spun around in disbelief and alarm questioning if they had seen what had happened. They simply just pointed out that my nose was bleeding. I reached up to my right nostril and felt the warm drop and just brushed it away. I am now focused.

I said, I'll be the one to check out what's happening, to my surprise they didn't object. The interface was simple and designed with a early windows model software, which was interesting since we're in an advanced Technology Convention. It only had a Live feed and a Chat Box. The main one is holding codes of what looked like live logins, and a narrow panel being a live chat feed. There were only messages exclaiming "wow, this is revolutionary" or "everyone must log in NOW."

I was eager to try it out of this curiosity to seek answers for what the whirlpool is about. So to make an account, you had to type in your login credentials on the Live Feed, like this.

username !password (word you won't remember)

Which was a little odd, why would you input a word you won't remember? So I went on to write the word bakuna which means vaccine. I don't know exactly why I went with it but it would be something I'd remember. As soon as I entered the input, it was as if I was in the matrix and I was pixelizing inside a different world. Before I was completely transferred I made note what the Live Feed said before I disappeared. 10 minutes.

 This is where it gets blurry for me, I just remember that I got transported into this realistic VR space and then all hell was breaking loose. Every moment a person's countdown timer would go off and they would pixelate and be deleted forever. I was mixed between awe at all the fantastic things that were never possible in reality but distraught with the disappearing people. I was torn to leave but I was aware of this facade, and I decided that I need to get out of here. There were a lot of forced distractions, of people, possibly androids, steering us into something that would peak out interest in the Tech World, be it Smartphones, Robots, Spas or whatever. I had to remember that I had a 10 Minute timer on my head. I shot up my feed on my vision and started to input the "word I won't remember."

I am transported back into the real world and I see that my companions are passed out on the floor. I didn't think they would be able to access the computer while it was occupied but apparently, as soon as you log in, you were never expected to log out anyway. I turn to the computer to check the chat feed, all were violently attacking my character, telling me I was worthless, or a noob, anything to get myself to doubt leaving in the first place. Another group was trying to convince me to log back in, they missed me, they admire my courage to "spread" the news and await my return.

That's when I saw, Marques Brownlee, and he was sending blasts about the treacherous brainwash and mass killing this TechCon turned out to be. He was spreading news about how people were being locked into a digital coma never to return to their bodies. He was looking for survivors to form a group to find a solution to save whoever was still lost. I saw his blasts, being drowned out by so many people saying he's a fraud, that there's so much he's simply misunderstanding. That's when I decided to message him and tell him everything I experienced before we decided we needed to go back, we had to go back in and destroy this from the inside. Once we had a plan, we just bid everyone who joined this rescue team goodluck.

I checked the tab for my timer before heading back in. 3 minutes.

 The End. I woke up. Hehe, I know there were more details about the "rescue team" but I simply forgot them already so. Yeah. That's one of my weird dreams. Enjoy.