Deserving
Last night, I was having a weird existential thought about deserving the life I have now. It just came out of nowhere, like most things that cross your mind right. My heartbeat pounded heavier at the thought that I am alive and aware that very moment that this is my reality now. It wasn't out of fear, it was out of excitement, like this sudden epiphany is a rebirth of who I am.
It felt like I was in such a haze. Everything was fogged up, time was going by too quickly for me to catch up. There was a sense of urgency to do something, yet I don't know what I was even meant to accomplish. It was that moment I was awakened.
Every few years of my life, I always have this urge, this rush that I am a newfound person. No holding anything back, because a new form of self-awareness has washed over my mind of unease. Suddenly, every doubt of the yesterdays were replaced with eagerness to try at life once again. It's not like I've been given a specific goal or plan to perform, rather than an innate need to embrace my vulnerability and quirks without question or hindrance. It meant having to speak my mind, without meticulously playing it over before expression. It meant being humbled that it's human to make mistakes. It meant, perfection is the best of my capability, not a standard.
Losing something tunnels the vision of the good stuff. It takes a certain amount of time and patience to be able to realize on your own, the life you had then, is incomparable to the life you have now. What made it hard to believe, that I have more peace of mind, felt like a fraud. I needed to balance out by torturing myself with uncertainty. I don't know why I believed in having to sacrifice, in this case my peace, to live a life that I believed was too good to be true.
I admire and am grateful for my partner, for being forgiving of my emotions sometimes getting out of hand. It took a lot of hard times and tears to grow together. He believed in me, and our relationship enough to overcome the petty, and the big stuff. I always made it harder than it was meant to be, pushing when I should be pulling. Being stubborn was familiar, if unnecessary, it was a hurdle that took me time to overcome. This was a life's belief that I must handle things on my own. I wanted to be strong enough to carry my baggage through, I needed to solve the problem that was weighing in the world on my shoulders. The thought of letting myself be helped was nothing but a temporary fix.
Co-dependency became a fear of mine growing up. It was reinforced by so many tragic marriage breakups of my family. It became the norm to see so much pain and dissolution. That pushed me and the children of my generation to steer clear of relationships in fear of similar fates. Their mistakes became the forefront of our decision making, creating problems when there were none, because it was too good to be true. Always at a loss of filling that void.
It gets tiring having to suck up all the load. It feels great when you know someone genuinely cares for you. Suddenly. you're circling over to retrace your past decisions, making you think, this person deserves better than me.
After everything life makes you go through, eventually you'll realize, the past doesn't have any hold on you. It's just the self-belief that was carried along the way, unrelenting, heavy on the heart. Having it keeps you company, assuring you the legitimacy over your life. Once you render that obsolete, it then makes everything you have sought and fought for into nothing.
Where do you start if you have nothing to refer to? Making your own path is harder that it looks. Unless you put it in a different perspective, that one day you wake up, and realize you could have lived life in any way you wanted to. Isn't that captivating? That all this time, despite your experiences, mistakes, and beliefs you always had it in you to look at life with a different mindset. You deserved the best all along.
